The Cure for Shame

Shame will be our default position and the virus in every relationship -  unless it is healed. Shame says, "You are flawed to the marrow, have nothing significant to offer,  hopelessly addicted,  and inherently prone to blow it.   The good in you can never outweigh the bad in you.  You will never be enough."

A shame-consciousness will be the Achille's Heal for every leader, organization, and every family and parent-child relationship, unless we find the cure.  And there is a cure.

But when we look to the pulpit or Public Television or TED pundits for a cure for shame, it often sounds like one the the following, often reasonable-sounding antidotes:

Acceptance as an antidote to shame:

"I am loved, despite..."

"I am accepted."

Self-confidence as an antidote to shame:

"Practice positive self-talk."

"Believe you are worthy."

Forgiveness as an antidote to shame:

"I am forgiven."

"God's grace is greater than my sin."

Discipline as an antidote for shame:

"Step up your prayer life and spiritual disciplines."

"Try harder not to miss group meetings."

Release from guilt as an antidote to shame:

"It's not your fault."

Positive thinking or better self-talk can't handle this.
Yet, as helpful and often true as most of the above antidotes can be, none of these solutions is sufficient to heal the root of shame.  Most Christians think that one or more of those antidotes I listed above will do the trick; yet it often feels like we're up against something much bigger than positive thinking or healthy self-talk can handle. 

Our best efforts to fend off our critics [whether external or internal] often feel a bit like the leather-tough cowboy who pretends the bullet lodged in his gut doesn't hurt; or the female CEO who tries to casually shake off the brutal criticisms lobbed at her by the Board, while she privately sheds angry tears in the bathroom stall. 

We're tired of pretending we're o.k., and though we are reluctant to admit it, pretending only temporarily shoves away the pecking buzzards, knowing the scavengers will always return until the kill is devoured.    Pretending we're o.k. doesn't actually heal us.

The cure for shame
The best question to ask is, "What does Jesus think the cure for shame is?"  Does Jesus have a way to heal the root system of shame within the human personality, rather than asking us to coax ourselves into positive self-talk or try to act bravely in the face of our critics? 

In Jesus' own words, the cure he offers is this: "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you." [Ezekiel 36:26]  His answer is as astoundingly simple as it is unique.  The heart is the root system for a person's relational health.  Jesus restores the root system in order to restore the person.    The moment you enter friendship with Jesus, the diseased root system is removed:  The heart that has driven you into a shame-mindset your whole life is taken away.  In its place is emplanted a remarkable, noble and radiant heart - a new root system.  Everything you hoped you could be is embedded in that new heart you've been given, waiting to be affirmed and released.

What Jesus might say to set us free: 

Jesus might say,

"Let's be truly authentic here, no pretending.  There's no need for that.  You're safe with Me.  No mustering up a sense of worthiness that shields you from the critics;  instead, let's take self-defense off the table forever. 

When the Devil comes to Me and tries to accuse and slander you to My face, I point him to your new and noble heart.  It infuriates the Enemy because self-defense is the only thing he has to teach you.

Your new-hearted nobility is a gift from me, and no one feels compelled to defend something they know is a gift:   If you didn't create it, you're not responsible for defending it, right?  I defend you so that you don't have to.  Your new heart is how I defend you against your critics."

LEARN MORE:
To learn more about recovering your good and noble heart, you can check out Jim's book, Recover Your Good Heart - Living free from religious guilt and the shame of never good-enough.

Kids: Why both bribes and threats create less-moral children.

A provocative interview with Alfie Kohn, author of Unconditional Parenting.  The best book on parenting I've read thus far.  The book contradicts much of the conventional parenting wisdom that suggests the use of "time-outs," "consequences," and other punishments on the one hand; and gold-stars, bribes, and other kinds of rewards on the other.  Even Christian parents who believe in "unconditional love" still fall prey to these commonly-prescribed techniques.

Sabotaging the very results we long for:
Most parents want their children to grow up to be moral, loving and responsible children.  However, the very techniques many of us have adopted are not only ineffective, but produce the very kinds of negative results in the long-term that we hope to avoid.  These traditional techniques that Kohn exposes can actually yield less-loving, more-selfish children over the long haul.

The unique pain of poets, artists, and creative types

"Where other people feel kicked by an unkind word, the poet feels disemboweled."

Empathetic and strongly-sensitive people are a unique breed, often dismissed as "too sensitive," "emotional," or "irrational."  Others wonder why we can't just "lighten-up." 

In describing the emotional makeup of Rich Mullins, the late Christian songwriter who penned, "Our God Is An Awesome God," Brennan Manning described Rich's sometimes tumultuous interior world this way:

Much of his pain...came from the fact that he saw too much and felt too much.  His mother, Neva, said, 'He could see the pain in another person even before they could see it themselves.'  Poets are a unique breed of human beings.  They ricochet between agony and ecstasy because they take everything so personally.  Where other people feel kicked by an unkind word, the poet feels disemboweled.  The slightest provocation can induce a fit of weeping or a fit of ecstasy.  Others cannot understand why he does what he does, and the poet is often downright clueless himself.

Rich Mullins often endured loneliness, as many people do, but he suffered in a way unknown to most of us.  Such extraordinary sensitivity is a blessing and a heartache. 

- Brennan Manning, Foreward to An Arrow Pointing to Heaven

Perhaps, for us creative types and sensitive souls, our scale does tip towards emotional succeptibility:  Or perhaps we just live more unmasked than others.  There are indeed vulnerable chinks in our armour - scales and plates have fallen off - and because of that, our armour can weigh less than the self-protective shell of others.

I would rather be swayed by pain and passion than subjugated under a calloused stoicism or insensitive denialism.  Don't forget:  Your empathy and vulnerability means your heart is alive.  Your glory and your anguish come from the same spark.

Video: Healing From "I'm Never Enough."

In this teaching video, I share one of the biggest barriers to moving out of a shame-consciousness ["I'm never enough."] towards a new-hearted, confident consciousness that believes that, despite the mess on the surface, God has removed an incapacitated heart and replaced it with one whose growing reserves of strength, goodness and nobility are being grown and released by the Holy Spirit, setting us free from the things that pin our hearts down.

Lesson from The Horse Whisperer: You don't "break a horse."

The Horse Whisperer
"Buck," the  documentary, is about the man behind the legendary cowboy in "The Horse Whisperer."  His name is Buck Brannaman.

You don't 'break' a horse:

You don't break a horse.  You don't force them into compliance.  You don't enforce your will upon them by violating their will.  Neither do you do this to a person.  Another term for "breaking a person" is compliance:

Compliance breeds fear, and uses intimidation to its advantage: 
"Do this or we will threaten you with 'consequences' until you meet our expectations."




Compliance is impatient: 
"Do this now:  We're more interested in outcomes than in hearts."




Compliance violates the will of the other: 
"I have the right [and power] to bend you to my will.  What you want isn't important."

You don't break a child.

Neither do you "break" a child; and this doesn't always imply a physical domination over a child.  Yet common parenting techniques that enforce "consequences" and varieties of disciplinary punishment; as well as "classroom management" techniques that get kids to shut up and be quiet "break the child" to gain compliance over their will. 

I once observed a substitute teacher scream across a cafeteria at a young girl for dropping food on the floor.  The adult's voice shattered the din and the room went silent.  The young girl shook with fear.  Tears streamed down her cheeks for the next 10 minutes.  He broke her.

The children, our spouses, or whomever we jerk around with bit and bridle, are the mirror to our souls.

"In this particular discipline, you have to be a sensitive person.  That vulnerability makes you great."  - from Buck, the film

Disarming shame: Will 'naming it' alone really help?

Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.  That's why it loves perfectionists - it's so easy to keep us quiet. If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we've basically cut it off at the knees.  Shame hates having words wrapped around it.  If we speak shame, it begins to whither.  - from "Daring Greatly," by Brene' Brown

Do you agree with this? What is true about Brene's claim?  What might be missing?

I have a great deal of respect for Brene' Brown, the quote's author.  I think her analysis of shame - what it is and how is disables us - is dead-on.  And I agree that we need to be talking about shame more, bringing its debilitating deception into the light.

Yet, I wonder if merely exposing shame by talking about it, "wrapping words around it," really heals it.  Yes, putting words to shame and how it hurts might makes us feel less alone because we've realized that shame is a universal kind of brokeness.  "Speaking to shame" might even help us gain more clarity around:

• the underlying causes of our husband's distance and anger, 


• or the sense that I'm never enough for anyone; despite my best efforts,


• or why we end up believing that God's heart is set against us, rather than believing his intent is always deliverance, as mysterious as that deliverance often is. 

"Wrapping words around shame" may help us realize, "Oh, so that's why I feel so afraid of showing up with my full heart; or taking risks; of entering in." 

But does this mean the shame is healed?  - As in, that it no longer has power over us; and something more redemptive and glorious has taken its place?  I don't think so.  Only healing heals.

Think how often over the last ten years you've talked about that betrayal that haunts you; or the time that you were fired for no reason; or the years that the church leadership abused your trust.  How many different conversations have you had about it....yet the wound seems so unhealed, despite you naming it and understanding its effect more clearly?

My prayer for us is this: 
Father, heal the wounds of shame that have lied to us for too long.  Heal them with your affection.  And as you do this, we invite your Spirit to release the noble goodness of our new-hearted, Christ-given identity - knowing that we are now more worthy and valuable than we could possible imagine.

 

Introverts and the Church: The pain of performance and perceptions

What does it feel like to be an introvert in a high-pressure, driven church environment.  Here are a few stories from some introverts:

• Dan says: 
  As an introvert in ministry leadership at two different churches I often perceived I didn't measure up because I would feel empty, tired, and in need of time alone following ministry events. I thought there was something wrong with me because I wanted to barricade myself in my office after preaching on a Sunday morning or leading an evening with students as a youth pastor. Understanding the "gift of introversion" has been a blessing. 

• L.H. says: 
  I think 'high-reactive introverts' may be in high numbers among the pioneers of what is often termed "emergent church." [Things that drive "high-reactive/high-sensitive introverts crazy are]: the loud music, the showiness, the competition, the mixed messages, the performance-based environment, the hypocrisy, the frenetic busyness.  Being a highly-sensitive Christian lent itself to being intensely uncomfortable and discontent at traditional church nearly all the time. 
  

• Amy says: 
  Unfortunately, for years all I got was the message that I wasn't good enough. The church institutions I was involved in were all well-propped up by natural achievers who thrived on always doing more. I often encountered teachings and articles written by blazing extroverts that said do more, work harder, run faster, keep up the good walk for Jesus! Remember, He's keeping your scorecard and you want to hear Him say, Well done, good and faithful servant! You don't want to be one of the ones that hears, Depart from me, I never knew you!  ...
  
  ...This type of religious environment cuts especially deep with introverts. We tend to be more sensitive by nature, and more deeply internalize the arrows hurled at us by the enemy, who unfortunately finds his job all to easy to do through the hands of often well-meaning religious leaders. We also find it more difficult to find a place to belong in the midst of the frenetic activity and performance of today's average church institution.

Related posts:

• "Why Accusation Is So Debilitating To Sensitive Hearts"


• "Were You A 'High-Reactive' Introverted Kid?"

Your stories: recovering from religious shame

This is Meredith's story of recovery from shame, and how she found freedom in the truth that her heart was made good and noble when she met Jesus:

Meredith's story:

Before I completely understood my good heart I often felt badly about myself and I didn't know why. In churches I was viewed as someone who was very flawed.  I left church on Sundays feeling burdened and tired. This feeling spilled into every corner of my life and I couldn't understand why it was. I knew I was a good person but didn't understand why I felt the way I did.

Church was a hostile environment and I left because the pressure to conform and perform was too much and it felt like I was missing something. In church I was criticized for the way I dress, although relatively modest, and even for wearing red lipstick. I was treated with suspicion and was excluded for that and other things. Things didn't make sense and I felt alone.

 

Learning about my good and noble heart put a name to the bad feelings I had. It helped to to recognize the teaching that I had heard for so long and that had impacted me so badly. As I understood what Jim teaches more deeply I was freed from the burden of feeling like I was not good enough and that suspicion that I have encountered in churches. My self-esteem has improved and I feel genuine joy in freedom in understanding the true message of Christ and the truth of who I am.  I am free from hostile judgment and burdens and most importantly I am healed from that old belief!

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This is Amy's story of how an introvert experienced the hyper-drive, push and pressure environment all too common in performance-based churches:

Amy's story  [how an introvert experienced "church":

My story is going to focus more on the extra difficulties that introverts encounter in today's performance-based religious institutions. The ones I ended up in, largely by default, were big, showy, noisy environments. The ones who looked the happiest, sang the loudest, had their hands up highest and prayed the most 'spiritual' sounding prayers were lauded as 'spiritual leaders.'


Unfortunately, for years all I got was the message that I wasn't good enough. The church institutions I was involved were all well-propped up by natural achievers who thrived on always doing more. I often encountered teachings and articles written by blazing extroverts that said do more, work harder, run faster, keep up the good walk for Jesus! Remember, He's keeping your scorecard and you want to hear Him say, Well done, good and faithful servant! You don't want to be one of the ones that hears, Depart from me, I never knew you!

This type of religious environment cuts especially deep with introverts. We tend to be more sensitive by nature, and more deeply internalize the arrows hurled at us by the enemy, who unfortunately finds his job all to easy to do through the hands of often well-meaning religious leaders. We also find it more difficult to find a place to belong in the midst of the frenetic activity and performance of today's average church institution.

So these years left me with so much shame that I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown until years later, I finally began doing some serious internet research and found better answers. Jim's book was one of the tools that God used to show me how many poisonous lies with a "Christian" label that I had been fed. Thankfully, one book I have greatly benefited from is "Introvert Power" by Laurie Helgoe.

I am not "all the way healed" but it is a journey. I am so much healthier and more whole than I ever was during the days I was being told that my heart was not good and that there was always one more thing I had to do to try and earn God's favor. Now I am creating my own space and my own ways to be an introvert IN Christ, not an extrovert always doing things 'for' Him. I ponder. I create. I write. I work on and share music.  I connect more closely with others one-on-one however I can, one of the things I do best. I do things for others that are uniquely me, but were never valued by the institution. I am learning that being an introvert the way God made me is just fine, and there may be reasons for it that I haven't even discovered yet.

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SHARE YOUR STORY:  If you'd like to share your story here with others about recovering from "bad heart" messages and the  discovery that your new Christ-shaped heart is good and noble, send me an EMAIL

GET JIM'S BOOK:  To read more stories of people who were shamed under a "bad heart" or "wandering heart" message, you can also read my book, "RECOVER YOUR GOOD HEART." 

Video: "Relating Without Control"

Most of our relationships end up being "If ___, then" relationships, based upon control and compliance. We offer love and delight only when our expectations are being met. It's hurting our families and our kids.

It's about connecting, not control.

What if, rather than ask,

"How can I get this person to do what I want them to do," we asked,

"How can I connect with this person?"

Getting people [including our spouse or kids] to comply with our rigid expectations will inevitably lead to controlling them. 

Control always leads to shame. 
Why?

Because the one doing the controlling [expecting compliance] assumes it's their right to do so.  It sets the two parties on unequal footing.  The receiving person's dignity is seen as dispensable.

Are expectations a good thing?  Yes.  To live without them is to live without values and to assume our own dignity is indispensable. 

But demanding compliance at the cost of another person's heart isn't acceptable.  God himself is gracious with latitude:  He allows, even welcomes, self-will - the capacity to make uncoerced choices without the threat of disappointing him.

It's helpful to ask:  "Does the person's heart matter more to me than their behavior?"

The controlling dynamic centers around "IF...THEN..."

"If you do this, I'll be happy with you.  If you don't meet my expectations, I'll be disappointed with you."

"If you comply with my expectations, I will reward you.  If not, you'll suffer the consequences."

THIS IS NOT THE GOSPEL.  Instead, God says, "I will bless you on your worst day."

A better way

Jim Collins, author of "Good to Great" and other leadership books, offers an alternative:

1.  "Lead with questions, not answers."

2.  "Engage in dialogue and debate, not coercion."

3.  "Conduct autopsies, without blame."

I would add a couple others:

• "Give feedback about failed expectations as information, not condemnation."  [remove the emotional sting]


• "Put the heart of the other person first.  Worry about behavior later."

It's about connecting, not compliance.

'Side-effects' of the false gospel

What side-effects does a person living under the false 'gospel' experience?  Religious duty and the constant pressure to be more spiritual and sin less comes with long-term adverse consequences.    [By the way, a Christian doesn't sin less by becoming obsessed with sinning less.]

SIDE EFFECTS:

• Spiritual pressure to measure up to expectations.
,

• Spiritual heaviness.
,

• You suspect God, is in fact, not really pleased with you.


• You're constantly being asked by leadership to be more committed.


• Every message is about getting you to do something, or to stop doing something.


• The leadership is more concerned with managing people's sin than releasing a new life that is now within them.


• No one ever talks about the heart, and when they do, it is with suspicion -- even in the case of the believer.

What have you experienced when you've encountered a substitute "gospel?"


False humility doesn't do God ... or you any good.

Once again, I ran across the phrase, "More of you, less of me" in another popular Christian artist's worship song.  The sentiment is noble, but misguided, and it denies the true nobility of our new nature.  But didn't John the Baptizer say just the same thing: "He must become greater; I must become less.” ? [John 3:30]

Context would be helpful -- it always is:  some Jews were questioning John the Baptizer as to why Jesus and his disciples seem to be attracting converts away from John.  ["...here he (Jesus) is baptizing, and all are going to him."]  In other words, "Aren't you worried, John, that this other guy is stealing your followers?"

But John isn't rattled by this at all, for he knows what his role in the Story is:  "This is the assigned moment for him [Jesus] to move into the center, while I slip off to the sidelines."  -- from The Message

John's humility is not a devaluation or deflation of his worth:  It's a realization that his role in the mission is coming to an end, or at least taking a different shape.

So when worship leaders, song writers, or Christian pundists claim, "I must decrease, for he must increase" we need to ask:  "Decrease in what?  Grow less ... in what?" 

God is not asking you to get out of his way.  He's not going to walk around you so that he can go where he really wants to do, without you being in the way.  He's not asking you to recoil and retreat from your true, good and noble heart.   You are not a hinderance to him.

If anything, he may ask you to retreat from pride [ yet he recognizes that pride is no longer in your heart anyway.  It may be lodged in your 'flesh' but not in your new heart].  Remember, it's not in our nature to be prone to wander or selfish any longer -- even Paul declares this:  "It is not I, but sin living in me."   [If you came down with a horrible virus, you wouldn't think you were the virus, or that the virus now defined you.]

True humility comes only when you are content with your new God-given noblility.  Denying your God-crafted brilliance and splendor would be like the night's canopy of stars asking their Maker, "Please dull our light -- we would prefer to be dirtied, dingy and grey."   Or a swan asking God to break its wing for fear of being too beautiful.

You can't "reflect the Lord's likeness with ever-increasing drabness."  The proper thing is to shimmer.

•  Related Video:  "Kingdom of Nobles"

New e-book excerpt: "Enough is Never Enough - Abusing the Good Heart"

Non-commercial www.paulprescott.comThis excerpt is from a new e-book I'm writing on the idea of spiritual abuse -- specifically how spiritual abuse can kill the very life of our hearts.
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The particular kind of abuse I'm talking about is reflected in the following description of abuse.  It comes from The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, by Johnson and VanVonderan:

"Spiritual abuse is the mistreatment of a person who is in need of help, support or greater spiritual empowerment, with the result of weakening, undermining or decreasing that person’s spiritual empowerment."

The authors go further:

"Spiritual abuse can also occur when spirituality is used to make others live up to a ‘spiritual standard.’  This promotes external ‘spiritual performance,’ …or is used as a means of ‘proving’ a person’s spirituality."

This abuse may not even be intentional, but kills the heart, nonetheless.

Notice the effects of this kind of abuse:

• weakening, undermining or decreasing that person’s spiritual empowerment.
• enforcing a 'spiritual standard,' 'spiritual performance,' a means of 'proving a person's spirituality'
  

The e-book is nearly completed, and I'll be announcing its completion soon.

As always, feel free to click the "Post a Comment" button below.

Update on Monday, August 16, 2010 at 12:06PM by Jim Robbins

P.S.  Some of your own stories of spiritual abuse will be included in the e-book; experiences that may resonate with your own painful journey. 

E-book available - "RECOVER YOUR GOOD HEART"

It's possible to be forgiven, yet not free. 

Many Christians are living under very damaging assumptions about their heart.  I wrote the book to expose those assumptions and to help readers believe that their heart is now truly good and noble.

My book, Recover Your Good Heart is available in E-book format below.  You can also find it in print on Amazon.

RECOVER YOUR GOOD HEART