It's about connecting, not control.

What if, rather than ask,

"How can I get this person to do what I want them to do," we asked,

"How can I connect with this person?"

Getting people [including our spouse or kids] to comply with our rigid expectations will inevitably lead to controlling them. 

Control always leads to shame. 
Why?

Because the one doing the controlling [expecting compliance] assumes it's their right to do so.  It sets the two parties on unequal footing.  The receiving person's dignity is seen as dispensable.

Are expectations a good thing?  Yes.  To live without them is to live without values and to assume our own dignity is indispensable. 

But demanding compliance at the cost of another person's heart isn't acceptable.  God himself is gracious with latitude:  He allows, even welcomes, self-will - the capacity to make uncoerced choices without the threat of disappointing him.

It's helpful to ask:  "Does the person's heart matter more to me than their behavior?"

The controlling dynamic centers around "IF...THEN..."

"If you do this, I'll be happy with you.  If you don't meet my expectations, I'll be disappointed with you."

"If you comply with my expectations, I will reward you.  If not, you'll suffer the consequences."

THIS IS NOT THE GOSPEL.  Instead, God says, "I will bless you on your worst day."

A better way

Jim Collins, author of "Good to Great" and other leadership books, offers an alternative:

1.  "Lead with questions, not answers."

2.  "Engage in dialogue and debate, not coercion."

3.  "Conduct autopsies, without blame."

I would add a couple others:

• "Give feedback about failed expectations as information, not condemnation."  [remove the emotional sting]


• "Put the heart of the other person first.  Worry about behavior later."

It's about connecting, not compliance.

Lessons the Church can learn from Delta Force

What can the Church learn from a former Delta Force commander who has served behind enemy lines in Bosnia and Afganistan in a variety of special op's situations? A guy who knows how to operate at the cusp of life and death?

Delta Force is arguable the most elite counter-terrorism force in the world.  I read Pete Blaber's book, The Mission, The Men, and Me for the fun of it, and the vicarious partication in his full-throtled adventures; but discovered something about why the Church gets broken and fails to function as an organic, highly effective organism.

One of Blabers central tenets in the book is, "organize for the mission."  Rather than applying a rigid, predetermined hierarchy over the top of all our activity, it's far better to let the mission inform our organizing and the way we gather.  As a tangential principle, Blaber also suggests that those in leadership "listen to the guy on the ground" because that guy has context-- firsthand, tacit knowledge of what's going on.  So why not ask him or her, "What's your recommendation?" suggests the Delta Force commander ...and take that recommendation seriously.

When your fellowship or team asks, "How are we going to do this?  How are we going to accomplish the mission of Jesus?" don't get lulled into the familiar modes of rigid and inflexible organizing.  Allow the mission of Jesus to determine the "how."  Will the way you go about it allow you to be light and mobile, adaptable and flexible?  Or will it force shackle you into institutional and time-honored structures that serve no one but those at the top? 

More specifically, when launching into a specific mission, the one Jesus has asked you to follow him into, ask, "How does the nature of this specific mission direct how we organize, gather, and function together?  How will we relate to each other because of this particular mission?  How will decisions be made and leadership lived out? 

What do you think are some clues from Jesus' own sense of mission, and how he "organized" his band of disciples?  How is this different than most organizational approaches, most ideas about Church?

Learning how to handle power

God wants to share his power.  Aptly wielded, power brings transformation and healing to the world.  He has intended to share his power from the very beginning:

"Adam, you may name the great variety of animals on the earth." "Adam and Eve, fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground.".

"What!!...are you crazy, God!? Don't give them that invitation; they'll screw it up!" But God risks because he shares.

Children need a sense of power, which must include the capacity for choice. Of course, the limits on that power must be age-appropriate, but stripping a child of power will wound them: "I am your father and you will do exactly as I say!" Left with only one acceptable option, and the threat of punishment if they don't choose that one acceptable option, a child will be stripped of dignity -- because dignity involves the divinely-given capacity for choice.  Power requires choices. 

What our children need to hear is this:

"Not only do you have an option here, you may choose. Of course the consequences will also be yours, but I will never remove either your choices or their consequences. I love you too much."

As Danny Silk suggests in his book, Loving Your Kids On Purpose, when you strip a child of the ability to choose between option A or B, the only way to ensure they comply is through the threat of punishment. ...and that only leads to fear: "If I don't do what mommy or daddy wants, I will disappoint them... or worse."

"Perfect (whole, complete) love casts out fear." Love and fear don't co-exist well.

God is teaching us adults how to use his power, to exercise it well; and I've been afraid of that my whole life: "But, if I get to choose here, what if I blow it? What if I choose the wrong thing?  Will you be disappointed?  Will I be outside of your will?"  ...and fear wounds the relationship.  Further, I never learn how to handle power favorably; and the only way to really learn is to screw it up sometimes.  You don't learn until you really get the consequences.  But if you live in constant fear of blowing it, you don't learn how to handle power-- You only learn fear.

Our capacity for choice is a bit unnerving.  We're given a lot of latitude when it comes to chosing.  But that latitude is wholly necessary for learning to handle power...and therefore love.  Love bestows power.