The Number One Priority Of Any Conversation

The best way to connect with another person so that they feel seen, heard and honored is to create safety. If emotional safety isn't a priority, the conversation will stay in the shallow end, and neither person will experience the bonds of connection a relationship can provide.  So the number one priority of any conversation is to create emotional safety.

How does safety get lost? 

I'll offer a personal story here:  In a counseling session, the therapist noticed I was "going to my head," lost in the analytical and cognitive part of my brain. I was using psychological lingo and talking shop with the therapist by mentioning a famous psychiatrist's view on trauma.  My comment was relevant to my history, but was couched in analytical language that avoided the actual painful feelings underneath.  I was retreating to my left-brain, while avoiding the emotional anguish trapped in my right brain. 

Rather abruptly, the therapist stopped me, saying, "I don't want you to do that.  I want the 'real you' to show up."

I shut down.

What was happening there?

I understood the therapist's intent to help me access the emotional pain I was carrying; but by rushing too quickly to disengage that analytical protective mechanism I'd developed over decades, the therapist lost access to those very painful places he was trying to rescue.  I no longer felt safe.  Anxiety hijacked my entire body; the threat response for fight or flight took over and any therapeutic benefit evaporated.

The therapist didn't understand that by stripping me of my coping mechanism too early in the game, he kicked out the crutches from under my arms.  And nothing better was offered to replace those crutches.  Until a person's emotional legs begin finding strength, kicking the crutches out from underneath them is a bit like asking a toddler who's learning to swim to remove their "floaties," then throwing them into the deep end.  They're not ready yet.  

To his credit, this talented therapist realized what had happened when I pushed back a bit, and worked sincerely to rebuild that safety.  Yet, some ground was lost nevertheless.

So how can we build safety in a conversation?

Honor the person's coping mechanisms.  Remember that defense mechanisms developed for a reason:  they once helped that person survive, or at least enabled them to handle terrifying or shaming events in their story.  Though it's true that those defense mechanisms are now an out-sized, misguided response to pain, they once served a legitimate function.

If you try to challenge or remove misguided coping strategies too soon, you create a sense of threat, causing the person to retreat rather than remaining open to you. Yes, we hope that those misguided defense mechanisms will one day no longer be necessary--like my tendency to shift to analysis and reasoning when I can't "feel" my feelings--but those defenses don't get healed by direct challenge:  they get healed through safety.*

What not to do:

Refrain from trying to change their mind too quickly.  Don't quote Scripture in hopes they'll give up their false notions and maladaptive coping.  At best, it will feel annoying to them; and at worst, it will feel threatening to those places that already feel threatened.  You don't have to agree with a person to be present to them. It's the kindness of God that leads to change.

Stay away from hasty advice or attempts to help them "see the truth."  They're not ready if you haven't earned their trust and safety; or if their pain is particularly acute.  Safety takes time.

What to do:

Rather than responding with judgemental or corrective language, say something like,

"I get why you'd feel so guarded and afraid.  I get that nothing feels safe to you right now."

"I understand why you've kept those feelings pushed back;  it never felt safe for you to express them." 

Creating safety is the number-one priority in any conversation.  Even confrontational ones.  When you have safety, you have connection.  When you lose safety, connection evaporates.

 .......................

*Heart Sync Ministries, founded by Andrew Miller, trains its practitioners to go slowly, building safety every step of the way.  They honor those protective mechanisms, which they call "Guardian" aspects of a person's identity. When functioning normally, those protective functions help us "guard our heart, the wellspring of life."   When not overwhelmed, those internal protective features are a legitimate threat-detection system for us.  Those fight/flight/freeze responses are very often necessary.  They help give us a sense of whether that guy at the bar has good intensions, or that opening up to a particular co-worker might not be a good idea. 

In a sense, the Guardian aspect of our identity acts like a gatekeeper to the rest of the person.  If that protective watchman isn't feeling safe, you're not going to gain access to the whole person; at least not without difficulty.  People can only discard their faulty protection mechanisms when they feel safe enough to do so.  Safety creates connection, and connection heals wounded souls.

Note:  Any misrepresentation of Heart Sync Ministry is purely the fault of yours-truly.  I'm referencing personal experience with Heart Sync, and knowledge of their approach, to the best of my recollection.

The Green Mile: what John Coffey knew about empathy

Being in the same room is not the same thing as connecting.  Remember that holiday office party where everyone chatted non-stop but you left feeling more alone?  Or the well-meaning friend who freely quotes Scriptural promises with the non-committal detachment of a fortune cookie, but doesn't really get what you're going through?  Speaking is not the same thing as connecting.  Even listening isn't the same.  

We need others who are emotionally in-sync with us.  Jesus surprises us here:

 ...he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled."  - John 11: 33, 38 [Lazarus story]

Would you be emotionally gutted if you knew you'd get back what you lost; that day?  In the Lazarus story, Jesus' emotional response doesn't really fit what he secretly knows. He has inside information that Lazarus is really just "sleeping" but he's not acting like the superhero.  He's not grinning like a giddy parent who knows the new birthday bike is waiting in the garage.   Why does God still cry when he knows everything works for good?

There are the typical interpretations explaining why Jesus was emotionally distraught, despite being the bearer of good news:  Jesus was indignant at his friends' unbelief; or he was overcome with grief by the entrance of death and decay into his Father's world. 

Yet, author Carol A. Brown, in her book, The Mystery of Spiritual Sensitivity, has another explanation:  Jesus was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled because he was dialed into his friends' emotional reality; and despite knowing that all would be okay, was still able to feel what they felt.  He remained emotionally in-sync with his friends.

He came alongside His friends and drew some of their burden into His spirit and soul, thus lightening their emotional load.  He felt what the sisters and friends were feeling - He was fully in sync with them."1

Note:  Jesus does not frantically rush to move people from difficult emotions to positive ones.   To do so would dishonor them.  He's okay staying in-sync with painful emotions like grief, terror, and anger; he won't rush to extinguish the pain without first feeling the pain himself. Why?  Because Jesus knows that people won't walk with you into the light until you've stayed with them in the dark.  

The Green Mile:  what John Coffey knew about empathy

Image: courtesy, IMDB

If you've ever seen the movie The Green Mile, you know that a falsely accused empath named, "John Coffey," literally inhales the pain of those who are suffering around him.  As he breaths in their affliction, the lights in his prison cell surge brightly with supernatural electricity as John Coffey swallows the misery of suffering souls.  He carries what they can't.  And it costs him, as it does all those who have extraordinary empathy.   

Psychologists call this kind of emotional engagement, "attunement."  It's the ability to dial-in to another's emotional states, to quite literally feel what they feel, to get in-sync with them.  It's how we, "Bear one another's burdens."  (Galations 6:2)

Ways to get in-sync with those you love

It starts simply by asking ourselves, "What must this person be feeling?  What is their body posture telling me: Are they slumped over?  Tense and rigid? What emotions are showing up on their face and in their tone of voice?  Wide-eyed with fright?  Do they have that far-away stare that says, "The feelings are so overwhelming that I can't feel them myself"?

Finally:  If you haven't had a chance to watch The Green Mile, it's one of the best portrayals of the Gospel in film.   

..........................................

Source: 

1.  The Mystery of Spiritual Sensitivity, by Carol A. Brown; p. 23

The Perceptive Heart: Reading people's faces

Image courtesy, virtual-lecture-hall.com

A perceptive person can read your face.  [Note:  Though I'm writing to adults, I've used pictures of infants' faces because their expressions can't be faked; rather than those pictures using actors who are trying to mimic emotional expressions.]

Viewing without seeing
His face bore the rigid gaze of a department store manikin. Eyes open, but not registering. This person across the table from me had been looking at me for an hour as we talked; but I realized that he couldn't see me. There was nothing wrong with his eyes and nothing blocking his view.  Yet I felt no more understood than if I was sitting across from a crash-test dummie.

The reason I knew this was because his facial expressions never changed to match mine. There was almost no emotional connection between us because his face didn't mirror my face. There was no reflection of my pain registering in his eyes.  No sense that he felt what I felt.  Though I had spent an hour with this person, I felt no closer to him.

Reading another's face well makes them feel connected and safe. Decoding another's facial expressions is a critical step in connecting more deeply with them:

[Research] explained why knowing that we are seen and heard by the important people in our lives can make us feel calm and safe, and why being ignored or dismissed can precipitate rage reactions or mental collapse.  It helped us understand why focused attunement with another person can shift us out of disorganized or fearful states.  - The Body Keeps the Score, Dr. Besselvan der Kolk, M.D.

The face cannot lie. The muscles in the face respond reflexively, automatically to our internal emotional states; especially facial gestures called "micro-expressions:"

A microexpression is a brief, involuntary facial expression that is shown on the face of humans according to the emotions that are being experienced. Unlike regular pro-longed facial expressions, it is difficult to fake a microexpression.  1  

Our faces hold the clues to our crime scenes.  Dr. Dan Allender, respected Christian psychologist and author, says that each of us is a crime scene. Harm was done to us. It is embedded in our memories and stored in our bodies. So as we "investigate" the harm done to those we care about, we do so knowing that we are walking into a crime scene. Therefore, we walk into each other's stories with humility and honor.

What will their faces tell us? 

• Are their eyes widened with fear?
  
  
• Is the curve of their mouth downturned in sadness and loss?
  
  
• Does their brow say, "I'm really angry; but need you to know that underneath the anger is a fear you'll abandon me, too."
  
  
• Does their face say, "I'm struggling with trust right now?"

Responding to their face:
Once you've deciphered a person's facial expression to know what their emotional state likely is, you can serve as a mirror to their soul.  "When the message we receive from another person is 'You're safe with me,' we relax. If we're lucky in our relationships, we also feel nourished, supported, and restored as we look into the face and eyes of the other."2  

Connecting with the person across from you can be as simple as, 

I noticed you look really frightened.  If you feel safe, can you tell me more?

It looks like you feel angry right  now.  Is there something that has hurt you?  Is it possible you're not feeling safe right now?

You seem joyful today.  How can I celebrate with you?

Note:  Hold your assumptions lightly and ask the Spirit to lead. Remember, you could be walking into a crime scene; and that will require discernment. 

Final thought?  Is it possible that Jesus is really good at reading your face, mirroring your emotions, and offering you a kind response that says, "I get you."?

......................

Sources: 

1.    "Guide to Reading Microexpressions," Vanessa van Edwards, author and behavioral investigator  

2.   The Body Keeps the Score, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, M.D.

Emotionally-healthy Christianity

How is it possible that a person attempting to live from their new heart can remain profoundly stuck? Why is it that even the most disciplined and faithful Christians fear conflict, live from false scripts they've inherited, and suffer just as many relational casualties as non-Christians?  What's missing?

One of the biggest barriers to living a free-hearted life - even if you believe that your heart is now good and noble - is unhealed emotional wounding.  It is entirely possible to be a New Covenant christian, yet discover areas of your life largely untouched by the transforming power of a new, Christ-indwelled heart.  Becoming a grace-filled Christian does not guarantee emotional freedom and relational success.


The mercy of pain
It may take relational pain to alert us to the emotional barriers blocking our new heart:  Author Pete Scazzero laments, "Yet now the pain was forcing me to face how superficially Jesus had penetrated my inner person, even though I had been a Christian for twenty years...whole layers of my emotional life had lain buried, untouched by God's transforming power."  As disruptive as pain can be, it is [albeit an unwelcomed] mercy.

Becoming more spiritually disciplined will not help. If it could, the most disciplined among us would be the most healthy; and that hasn't proven true in many cases.  Some of the most committed and spiritually disciplined people remain unable to relate well or worse, are completely unaware of their emotional and relational impediments.

"Sanctification" has left some of our deepest needs unhealed.
What if "sanctification" includes the healing of emotional wounds?  Is it even possible to be spiritually healthy apart from emotional health?  Honest experience tells us, "no."  Healthy spiritually requires emotional health - not perfection - but a committment to emotional healing. 

We know God by knowing ourselves, including our wounds and how they drive our relationships.  Though it is also true that we know ourselves by knowing God, it is imperative that wound-care be pursued,  leading us deeper into God's love, not farther from it.  Augustine wrote, "How can you draw close to God when you are far from your own self?" 

Perhaps the "easy yoke" of Christ has eluded us because we haven't brought our whole selves, including our darkest fears and incessant wounds, under the kind affection of Jesus.

Where do I start?

• Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, by Peter Scazzero
• How to Argue So Your Spouse Will Listen, by Sharon May, PhD
• Unlocking Your Family Patterns, by Cloud, Townsend, Carder, Henslin

Note:  God can heal in a variety of ways.  Counseling is only one means. Healing prayer, intercessory prayer, and body-mind methodologies can all be helpful when brought under the discernment and authoriy of Jesus.  And in no way am I suggesting the Church outsource all healing to professional counselors.  As Larry Crabb suggested in his ground-breaking book, "Connecting," powerful connection can happen between two non-professional people living under New Covenant assumptions. 

How do others respond to your suffering?

The best way to respond to another person's suffering is at an emotional level, not a rational one.  Respond to emotion with emotion. [1]  I don't mean that we fake an emotional response, or become overly dramatic or animated as we acknowledge their anguish; but rather, we learn to hear with our hearts, rather than dispensing prescriptions. 

How a person handles your pain will tell you about their view of God.

When sharing our heartache with others, most of us get a corrective response.  Here's what the Corrective Response sounds like:

1. "Here's what the Bible says about that; now just believe it." 

2. "Here's my experience and how I handled pain:  You should adopt my attitude."

3. "You're over-reacting or too sensitive.  It's not as bad as you think it is."

[It may, in fact, not be as bad as they think it is, but telling them so isn't likely to improve their situation or perspective.]

The negative impact of the Corrective Response:
The fallacy here is that reason cannot always heal; and will often make the suffering worse.   And reason is a cheap substitute for entering into another's suffering:  It takes more energy and love to "weep with those who weep" than offering a rational [and clinical] response to their hurt. 

The collateral damage of the corrective response is one of dismissal, which quickly becomes shame:  Because your heartache isn't taken seriously,  your suffering is leveled as an indictment against you because you're too weak, too faithless, or too sensitive to handle the situation well.  Or, so go the assumptions about you.

Suffering is not faithlessness:
Often times, the corrective response is built upon the assumption that your response to pain indicates a lack of faith.   The truth is, that while your "flesh may be weak" and faithless; your good and noble heart is not:  Your new heart may be growing in trust, but it was equipped with the same confidence in the Father that Jesus himself held onto.  "Christ in you" means that there is a very deep part of you that still trusts, despite your very real feelings of abandonment.

Don't see pain as necessarily a lack of faith.  Emotions are not always reliable indicators of a person's true inner strength; especially when they themselves are overwhelmed and can't see their own hope and resilience while its buried beneath the rubble.

The positive impact of responding to emotion with emotion?
1.  Responding with emotional empathy opens the sufferer up to the healing presence of God.

2.  Responding with emotional empathy give the listener permission to be taken seriously, especially when something challenging may be needed to be said at a later point in time.  Without empathy, the listener doesn't have permission.

3.  Responding with emotional empathy makes the listener a safe harbor for a broken vessel. 


We can learn to ask: What is my friend experiencing? 

• Fear?  
• Betrayal?
• Futility? 
• Loss?
• Forsakenness?

 
Learning to respond to emotion with emotion, particularly the emotions the suffering person is drowning under, will help us serve as an advocate rather than as an advisor; a companion rather than a courtroom judge; a compassionate healer rather than a clinician.

[1]  Intimate Life, Intimate Life Ministries

Emotions -- friend or foe? You may be surprised.

Emotions can't be trusted.

Strong emotions will lead you into sin.

Believing the right things is more important than feelings.

Just do your duty, whether you feel something or not.

Love is a 'verb.'

Reason and the intellect are more trustworthy than the heart.

What do you think of these typical typical responses to emotions and their place in the Christian life? Are these statements true? 

I've discovered a book called, Feel -- the power of listening to your heart, by Matthew Elliott.  His claim is that much of what the Christian community has taught about emotions, is in fact, not biblical.  The Church has bought into secular psychology and philosophy rather than a biblical position on the place of emotion in our lives.  It's actually a bit surprising.

The author claims,
I realized this idea [the suspicion and villification of emotion] was the prevailing Christian view of emotions - and this "Christian" view was essentially platonic [from Plato], a secular perspective in line with the view of Descartes, [William ]James, and - if you can believe it - none other than Charles Darwin."  p.20

What have you been told about emotions and their place in the Christian life?

I'll be following up this conversation on emotions in upcoming posts.