The Green Mile: what John Coffey knew about empathy

Being in the same room is not the same thing as connecting.  Remember that holiday office party where everyone chatted non-stop but you left feeling more alone?  Or the well-meaning friend who freely quotes Scriptural promises with the non-committal detachment of a fortune cookie, but doesn't really get what you're going through?  Speaking is not the same thing as connecting.  Even listening isn't the same.  

We need others who are emotionally in-sync with us.  Jesus surprises us here:

 ...he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled."  - John 11: 33, 38 [Lazarus story]

Would you be emotionally gutted if you knew you'd get back what you lost; that day?  In the Lazarus story, Jesus' emotional response doesn't really fit what he secretly knows. He has inside information that Lazarus is really just "sleeping" but he's not acting like the superhero.  He's not grinning like a giddy parent who knows the new birthday bike is waiting in the garage.   Why does God still cry when he knows everything works for good?

There are the typical interpretations explaining why Jesus was emotionally distraught, despite being the bearer of good news:  Jesus was indignant at his friends' unbelief; or he was overcome with grief by the entrance of death and decay into his Father's world. 

Yet, author Carol A. Brown, in her book, The Mystery of Spiritual Sensitivity, has another explanation:  Jesus was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled because he was dialed into his friends' emotional reality; and despite knowing that all would be okay, was still able to feel what they felt.  He remained emotionally in-sync with his friends.

He came alongside His friends and drew some of their burden into His spirit and soul, thus lightening their emotional load.  He felt what the sisters and friends were feeling - He was fully in sync with them."1

Note:  Jesus does not frantically rush to move people from difficult emotions to positive ones.   To do so would dishonor them.  He's okay staying in-sync with painful emotions like grief, terror, and anger; he won't rush to extinguish the pain without first feeling the pain himself. Why?  Because Jesus knows that people won't walk with you into the light until you've stayed with them in the dark.  

The Green Mile:  what John Coffey knew about empathy

Image: courtesy, IMDB

If you've ever seen the movie The Green Mile, you know that a falsely accused empath named, "John Coffey," literally inhales the pain of those who are suffering around him.  As he breaths in their affliction, the lights in his prison cell surge brightly with supernatural electricity as John Coffey swallows the misery of suffering souls.  He carries what they can't.  And it costs him, as it does all those who have extraordinary empathy.   

Psychologists call this kind of emotional engagement, "attunement."  It's the ability to dial-in to another's emotional states, to quite literally feel what they feel, to get in-sync with them.  It's how we, "Bear one another's burdens."  (Galations 6:2)

Ways to get in-sync with those you love

It starts simply by asking ourselves, "What must this person be feeling?  What is their body posture telling me: Are they slumped over?  Tense and rigid? What emotions are showing up on their face and in their tone of voice?  Wide-eyed with fright?  Do they have that far-away stare that says, "The feelings are so overwhelming that I can't feel them myself"?

Finally:  If you haven't had a chance to watch The Green Mile, it's one of the best portrayals of the Gospel in film.   

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Source: 

1.  The Mystery of Spiritual Sensitivity, by Carol A. Brown; p. 23

Physical Prayer: Weeping With Those Who Weep

Image, courtesy: saltwaterandhoney.org

 "Often, church is the one place we have been trained not to weep."  - Life Model Works

I've never had someone weep for me as this man did:  not merely weep for me; but as if he was me. 

The man who wept for me was my childhood friend's dad, whom I'd known for almost 30 years.  A soft-spoken psychiatrist with a dark bushy beard, and a storyteller.  But it wasn't his psychiatric training that kicked in that day; it was his sensitive heart.

His wife knew I wasn't doing well; offering to pray for me with her husband.  We found a small, quiet room at the conference hotel.  I felt painfully isolated and relationally severed.  I was a single pastor in a world of increasing losses. 

In that small room, the husband and wife pulled up chairs beside me.  As we moved out of conversation into prayer, she began praying and he sat to my right, quiet.

As my pain surfaced, the happily-bearded man I'd known for 30 years reached around my back with both arms; wrapped himself around my shoulders like a thick bearskin mantle,  and held me. He was slumped over me with grief; his thick dark beard brushed against the back of my neck as he wept.  Giant and gentle was his weeping presence. It would be more accurate to say he softly groaned rather than cried, as his anguished tears fell onto my shirt. His body was his prayer. 

He wept not simply for me, but as if he was me.  This was visceral prayer.  Physical prayer.  Incarnational prayer.

I felt him feeling what I was feeling.1  He heaved "sighs too great for words."  This sort of profound connection is called, "emotional attunement."  It's a way of expressing, "I get you.  I'm not merely with you.  I can feel what you're feeling."  It's what neurobiologist Dr. Dan Siegel calls feeling felt. 

"The point, of course, is that God attunes to us and feels and acts contingently.  We influence him through our emotional states...Our problem is that often we do not take ourselves seriously enough to believe we have that much influence on the One who created the universe." 2

1.  Anatomy of the Soul, by Dr. Curt Thompson; p. 98

2.  Anatomony of the Soul, by Dr. Curt Thompson, p. 101

What gets injured in relationship gets healed in relationship.

Because we are wounded in relationship; we are only healed in relationship. 

The reason secure and connective relationships make all the difference is this: relational ruptures sever our sense of attachment to someone important to us.  We experience sensations of abandonment, shame and dread when we lose connections that matter to us. Our body's alarm system can become hypervigilent; ever-watching for the next shoe to drop.

Therefore, since the damage occurred in relationship; it must be healed through relationship.  Attachment and healthy bonding (or re-bonding) comes through relationship; relationship with others who are safe, present, and attuned to our emotional needs.

An interesting phenomenon occurred during WWII with the children of London, as German bombers showered explosive ordinance over London's dark skies:

Studies conducted during WWII in England showed that children who lived in London during the Blitz and were sent away to the countryside for protection against German bombing raids fared much worse than children who remained with their parents and endured nights in bomb shelters and frightening images of destroyed buildings and dead people." 1

Children leaving London during the Blitz. Courtesy, Daily Mail.com; "Seventy years on, two-thousand children who fled the Blitz meet again." By P. Harris and B. Hale

The greater loss was experienced by those children sent away from their most meaningful attachments; their families.  Surprisingly, enduring raid sirens, images of bombed-out buildings and corpses was a lesser loss than losing the safety of their parents' presence.

Adults also experience wounding when they lose a sense of attachment and connection with those they love.  Below is a video demonstrating the soothing power of connection for adults who learn to connect well. Dr. Susan Johnson is a pioneer in the field of Emotional Focused Couples Therapy.  Here, she presents an experiment done with a couple who are her clients:

"Our attachment bonds are our greatest protection against threat."  2
Secure relationships become a safe haven for us. 
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Resources to consider:

Books:

How to Argue So that Your Spouse Listens, by Dr. Sharon May

Created for Connection, by Dr. Sue Johnson and Kenneth Sanderfer

Anatomy of the Soul, by Dr. Curt Thompson

Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You, by Dr. E. James Wilder; et al.

Websites:

Joy Starts Here/Life Model Works website

The Center for Being Known

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Sources:

1.  The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel van der Kolk; p. 212

2.  The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel van der Kolk; p. 212