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Entries in The perceptive heart (3)

Thursday
Oct122017

Physical Prayer: Weeping With Those Who Weep

Image, courtesy: saltwaterandhoney.org

 "Often, church is the one place we have been trained not to weep."  - Life Model Works

 

I've never had someone weep for me as this man did:  not merely weep for me; but as if he was me. 

The man who wept for me was my childhood friend's dad, whom I'd known for almost 30 years.  A soft-spoken psychiatrist with a dark bushy beard, and a storyteller.  But it wasn't his psychiatric training that kicked in that day; it was his sensitive heart.

His wife knew I wasn't doing well; offering to pray for me with her husband.  We found a small, quiet room at the conference hotel.  I felt painfully isolated and relationally severed.  I was a single pastor in a world of increasing losses. 

In that small room, the husband and wife pulled up chairs beside me.  As we moved out of conversation into prayer, she began praying and he sat to my right, quiet.

As my pain surfaced, the happily-bearded man I'd known for 30 years reached around my back with both arms; wrapped himself around my shoulders like a thick bearskin mantle,  and held me. He was slumped over me with grief; his thick dark beard brushed against the back of my neck as he wept.  Giant and gentle was his weeping presence. It would be more accurate to say he softly groaned rather than cried, as his anguished tears fell onto my shirt. His body was his prayer. 

He wept not simply for me, but as if he was me.  This was visceral prayer.  Physical prayer.  Incarnational prayer.

I felt him feeling what I was feeling.1  He heaved "sighs too great for words."  This sort of profound connection is called, "emotional attunement."  It's a way of expressing, "I get you.  I'm not merely with you.  I can feel what you're feeling."  It's what neurobiologist Dr. Dan Siegel calls feeling felt

 

"The point, of course, is that God attunes to us and feels and acts contingently.  We influence him through our emotional states...Our problem is that often we do not take ourselves seriously enough to believe we have that much influence on the One who created the universe." 2

 

1.  Anatomy of the Soul, by Dr. Curt Thompson; p. 98

2.  Anatomony of the Soul, by Dr. Curt Thompson, p. 101

 

 

 

 

Monday
Oct092017

What gets injured in relationship gets healed in relationship.

Because we are wounded in relationship; we are only healed in relationship

The reason secure and connective relationships make all the difference is this: relational ruptures sever our sense of attachment to someone important to us.  We experience sensations of abandonment, shame and dread when we lose connections that matter to us. Our body's alarm system can become hypervigilent; ever-watching for the next shoe to drop.

Therefore, since the damage occurred in relationship; it must be healed through relationship.  Attachment and healthy bonding (or re-bonding) comes through relationship; relationship with others who are safe, present, and attuned to our emotional needs.

An interesting phenomenon occurred during WWII with the children of London, as German bombers showered explosive ordinance over London's dark skies:

Studies conducted during WWII in England showed that children who lived in London during the Blitz and were sent away to the countryside for protection against German bombing raids fared much worse than children who remained with their parents and endured nights in bomb shelters and frightening images of destroyed buildings and dead people." 1

 

Children leaving London during the Blitz. Courtesy, Daily Mail.com; "Seventy years on, two-thousand children who fled the Blitz meet again." By P. Harris and B. Hale

The greater loss was experienced by those children sent away from their most meaningful attachments; their families.  Surprisingly, enduring raid sirens, images of bombed-out buildings and corpses was a lesser loss than losing the safety of their parents' presence.

 

Adults also experience wounding when they lose a sense of attachment and connection with those they love.  Below is a video demonstrating the soothing power of connection for adults who learn to connect well. Dr. Susan Johnson is a pioneer in the field of Emotional Focused Couples Therapy.  Here, she presents an experiment done with a couple who are her clients:

 

"Our attachment bonds are our greatest protection against threat."  2
Secure relationships become a safe haven for us.
 
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Resources to consider:

Books:

How to Argue So that Your Spouse Listens, by Dr. Sharon May

Created for Connection, by Dr. Sue Johnson and Kenneth Sanderfer

Anatomy of the Soul, by Dr. Curt Thompson

Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You, by Dr. E. James Wilder; et al.

 

Websites:

Joy Starts Here/Life Model Works website

The Center for Being Known

 ...............................................

Sources:

1.  The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel van der Kolk; p. 212

2.  The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel van der Kolk; p. 212

Monday
Sep252017

The Perceptive Heart: Reading people's faces

Image courtesy, virtual-lecture-hall.com

A perceptive person can read your face.  [Note:  Though I'm writing to adults, I've used pictures of infants' faces because their expressions can't be faked; rather than those pictures using actors who are trying to mimic emotional expressions.]


Viewing without seeing
His face bore the rigid gaze of a department store manikin. Eyes open, but not registering. This person across the table from me had been looking at me for an hour as we talked; but I realized that he couldn't see me. There was nothing wrong with his eyes and nothing blocking his view.  Yet I felt no more understood than if I was sitting across from a crash-test dummie.

The reason I knew this was because his facial expressions never changed to match mine. There was almost no emotional connection between us because his face didn't mirror my face. There was no reflection of my pain registering in his eyes.  No sense that he felt what I felt.  Though I had spent an hour with this person, I felt no closer to him.


Reading another's face well makes them feel connected and safe.
Decoding another's facial expressions is a critical step in connecting more deeply with them:

[Research] explained why knowing that we are seen and heard by the important people in our lives can make us feel calm and safe, and why being ignored or dismissed can precipitate rage reactions or mental collapse.  It helped us understand why focused attunement with another person can shift us out of disorganized or fearful states.  - The Body Keeps the Score, Dr. Besselvan der Kolk, M.D.

  

The face cannot lie. The muscles in the face respond reflexively, automatically to our internal emotional states; especially facial gestures called "micro-expressions:"

A microexpression is a brief, involuntary facial expression that is shown on the face of humans according to the emotions that are being experienced. Unlike regular pro-longed facial expressions, it is difficult to fake a microexpression.  1  

 

Our faces hold the clues to our crime scenes.  Dr. Dan Allender, respected Christian psychologist and author, says that each of us is a crime scene. Harm was done to us. It is embedded in our memories and stored in our bodies. So as we "investigate" the harm done to those we care about, we do so knowing that we are walking into a crime scene. Therefore, we walk into each other's stories with humility and honor.

What will their faces tell us? 

  • Are their eyes widened with fear?

  • Is the curve of their mouth downturned in sadness and loss?

  • Does their brow say, "I'm really angry; but need you to know that underneath the anger is a fear you'll abandon me, too."

  • Does their face say, "I'm struggling with trust right now?"


Responding to their face:

Once you've deciphered a person's facial expression to know what their emotional state likely is, you can serve as a mirror to their soul.  "When the message we receive from another person is 'You're safe with me,' we relax. If we're lucky in our relationships, we also feel nourished, supported, and restored as we look into the face and eyes of the other."2  

Connecting with the person across from you can be as simple as, 

I noticed you look really frightened.  If you feel safe, can you tell me more?

It looks like you feel angry right  now.  Is there something that has hurt you?  Is it possible you're not feeling safe right now?

You seem joyful today.  How can I celebrate with you?

Note:  Hold your assumptions lightly and ask the Spirit to lead. Remember, you could be walking into a crime scene; and that will require discernment. 

 

Final thought?  Is it possible that Jesus is really good at reading your face, mirroring your emotions, and offering you a kind response that says, "I get you."?

 

......................

Sources: 

1.    "Guide to Reading Microexpressions," Vanessa van Edwards, author and behavioral investigator  

2.   The Body Keeps the Score, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, M.D.