Wounded By Accusation

 

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Here are some posts I've written that speak to those who find themselves particularly wounded by accusation:  

"Generalized Accusation Disorder:"  My Story

 
"You're Getting Hit With Accusation - The Warning Signs"

 
"Conviction is Different Than Accusation"

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Especially for introverts:

"Why Accusation Is So Debilitating for Sensitive Hearts"

 
"Were You a 'High-Reactive/High-Sensitive" Introverted Kid?"

 
"Introverts and the Church:  The Pain of Performance and Perceptions"

Were you a "high-Reactive" introverted kid? [High-Reactives: Part-two]

Here's part two on "high-reactive" people, and the unique ways in which they suffer as well as can do well in the world.  Excerpts from Quiet:  The Power of Introverts In a World That Can't Stop Talking.

High-reactive kids and adults:
Although much of the research with "high-reactives"  has been done with kids, "the footprint of a high- or low-reactive temperament never disappeared in adulthood" when those same persons were tested in adulthood. 

In other words, you certainly have the free-will to change some parts of your personality, but certain aspects will follow you into old age.  According to the "rubber band theory" of personality, we can stretch our personalities to a degree, but they'll always snap back to a preferred default position.

More characteristics of a "high-reactive" temperament:

• These kids are more at risk when there's "marital tension, a parent's death, or abuse.  They're more likely than their peers to react to these events with depression, anxiety, and shyness." 


• But there's a beneficial side to having high-reactive kids - especially if they're parented well under a stable environment:  These kids will "tend to have fewer emotional problems and more social skills than their lower-reactive peers, studies show."  They can even be more resistant to the common cold when in a nurturing environment.


• These children [and presumably as they grow into adulthood] are often "exceedingly empathic, caring, and cooperative.  They are kind, conscientious, and easily disturbed by cruelty, injustice, and irresponsibility." 

According to Jay Belsky, "'Instead of seeing these kids as vulnerable to adversity, parents should see them as malleable - for worse, but also for better.'"  The ideal parent for a high-reactive child:

• "can read you cues and respect your individuality;"
• "is warm and firm in placing demands on you without being harsh or hostile;"
• "is not harsh, neglectful, or inconsistent."

Creating a new environment for high-reactives [and probably everyone else as well]

As I read this research, it was obvious to me that "high-reactives" in particular need a grace-filled environment  - absent of accusation and shame.   Certainly, though, everyone could benefit from gracious relationships; but particularly "high-reactives." 

Let's:

• Respond without reactivity.
• Refrain from controlling and accusing.
• Confront [when necessary] with information, not condemnation.
• Celebrate the new heart in the other before jumping in.

Related posts:

• "Why Accusation Is So Debilitating For Sensitive-Hearts"


• "Parenting Where the Heart Comes First."


• "How We Talk to Our Kids:  An Alternative to Constant Evaluation and Judgment Calls"

What about you?
What did you experience as a "high-reactive" kid?  How has it carried over into adulthood and what benefit has it brought you?

Why accusation is so debilitating for "sensitive" hearts.

I have a particular empathy for those who are "sensitive" and tender-hearted - particularly because they are more vulnerable to accusation, or even perceived accusation, than most.  It's probably one the reasons I wrote, RECOVER YOUR GOOD HEART. 

I also happen to be one of those "sensitive types."  It's not surprising that I'm a writer and a solo piano artist, callings that require introspection and a willingness to feel deeply.  My mentors are books and my piano is my therapist.

In her extraordinary book, Quiet:  The Power of Introverts In A world That Can't Stop Talking," Susan Cain lays out the research on people called "High Reactives," a trait that often corresponds to introversion but not always.   These children and adults "react" more intensely to changes or perceived threats in their environments than "low-reactives" do.

Here are some characteristics of "high-reactives:"

•  Sensitive nature

• May be “quicker than others to feel sickened by violence and ugliness,  and likely to have a strong  conscience.” 

• Will experience a “more intense mix of guilt and sorrow than a lower-reactive kid.” “High-reactive kids seem to see and feel things more.”

• "...The reactivity of these kids' nervous systems makes them quickly overwhelmed by childhood adversity, but also able to benefit from a nurturing environment more than other children do." 

• “High-reactive types …are more like orchids:  they wilt easily, but under the right conditions can grow strong and magnificent.”

My own opinion, based on reading these findings, is that accusation will do more injury to a "high-reactive" because they're likely to feel a "more intense mix of guilt and sorrow" and more likely to internalize perceived accusation, even when it's not their fault.

Yet, there's a hidden blessing to functioning as a "high-reactive:"  Others will likely benefit from your courageous, yet tender heart.  People need your vulnerability and ability to feel deeply with them.  You'll also benefit from knowing just how tender and kind-hearted Jesus can be.

I'll share more characteristics of "high-reactives" in the next post.