What do you want for your kids? [Redefining "good morals"]

Some time ago, I asked a group of parents to list the qualities they wanted their children to possess as they grew older.  The initial responses were character traits such as:

"respectful"

"kind"

"responsible"

Only after those initial character qualities were suggested did some parents begin to offer other qualities they desired for their children like:

"problem solving"

"empathy"

"purpose"

Typical moral categories aren't enough.
Notice that the first list fell within very typical moral categories that represents what we think of as "good behavior."  Yet the qualities on the second list are also critical for development.  Traits like "empathetic awareness,"  "discernment" [needed for problem-solving] and "sense of purpose" are also needed for relational and emotional health, yet are not often the first things we think of when it comes to character development.

Children are often taught both in school and at home to be "kind" or "respectful" or good "team players"  [all potentially forms of compliance to get them to be more manageable]; while ignoring qualities like "play," "risk-taking," and "redemptive suffering."

Teaching our kids to be disruptive
Though we want our kids to "show respect towards authority," we would never think of teaching our children how to be redemptively-disruptive - standing against injustice when it is warranted - because Jesus' cleansing of the temple doesn't look like "self-control" to us.   Or that addressing injurious authority may sometimes be warranted because there are still "white-washed tombs" and "broods of vipers" using power and entitlement to lord it over those they should serve.

Redefining "morality" for our kids
How have you been taught to view "character" and "morality?"  Strictly in terms of good behavior?  What other traits would you consider listing that you hope to instill in your child?

It's not about trying to act like a Christian.

If you chase externals, you get either a pharisee or a defeated Christian.

"External manifestation of "Christlikeness" is not, however, the focus of the process [spiritual formation]; and when it is made the main emphasis, the process will certainly be defeated, falling into deadening legalisms and pointless parochialisms ... We know now that peculiar modes of dress, behavior, and organization just are not the point."  - Dallas Willard, Renovation of the Heart

It's not about acting like a Christian, even though loving actions are important.

Willard continues,

"...to strive merely to act in conformity with his [Jesus'] expressions of what living in the kingdom of God from the heart is like is to attempt the impossible."

For example many Christians, under a pressure to be holy or under a false sense of conviction from the pulpit, try then to act loving:

"Love, we hear, is patient and kind.  Then we mistakenly try to be loving by acting patiently and kindly - and quickly fail."  - Willard

Willard says that, rather than conjuring love and attempting to act in loving ways, we need to "advance in love itself - the genuine inner readiness and longing to secure the good of others."

My own suggestion is that the way in which that inner readiness is developed is to:

• Recognize that in your new nature, it's already there.


• Celebrate with God's Spirit as he nourishes and releases that already-present love.


• Learn how God uniquely awakens and nourishes your heart:  Music?  Solitude?  Conversational prayer?  Scripture study? Art?  A good hike in the woods?  Meaningful conversation with others?

"the letter of the law kills, the spirit gives life."  [2 Corinthians 3:6]

Related resources:

• "And please, try not to sin!"


• My book, Recover Your Good Heart, goes into much more detail about living from the good and noble heart Jesus has given the Christian; and what the Bible has to say about it.  It debunks many of the myths we've been given about our hearts, so that we can live the life Jesus invites us to.

[Also in Kindle and AudioBook/MP3 formats.]