I hate to see children who are rigidly controlled like cattle, poked and prodded; or like lab rats, rewarded or punished based upon an adult's perception of successfully meeting expectations. Control and compliance, the handmaids of shame, assault my spirit to the core and this is an issue I am currently researching and writing about.
I thought I was doing much better at stepping back from over-correcting my kids, refusing to control their every decision ...until I tried this little experiment:
Experiment: Try not to correct your child for a day, or even one hour. [Unless, of course, there's a safety issue involved.] Try not to say, "no" or evaluate their behavior. Don't pressure them to conform to your expectations. Just connect with them.
The experiment was all too revealing for me. Though I think my parenting has changed for the better in the last few years, and I'm much more conscious of trying not to unnecessarily control my kids, the experiment showed me just how ingrained and reflexive my need to correct them was.
It's also draining and takes an enormous amount of energy to control others -- energy that could be used to connect with them rather than getting them to comply with our often rigid expectations.
TRY IT:
- Just one day. Or even one hour.
- No corrections, except for safety concerns: Just connect with their hearts.
Try it and let me know what you discover.
Related resources:
- "Parenting Where the Heart Comes First," Jim Robbins